funny13

Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!

Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!

Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom

funny12

Q: Why did the pony cough?
A: He was a little hoarse!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa - baa - cue!

Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
A: It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!

Q: Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
A: In a Launch box

Q: What do you call the pub on Mars?
A: A Mars Bar!

Q: Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom?
A: I must have left the landing light on

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Spatula!

Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!

funny11

Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
A: you don't bury survivors

Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?
A: 'Each' is a mans name!

Q: If there's a frog, dead in the centre of a lilypad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to?
A: neither, the frog is dead!

Q: You're a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
A: The same as yours, you're the bus driver.

Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
A: The sea!

Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet...how come?
A: He was bald.

Q: David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
A: David

Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands?
A: a river.

Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
A: His horse was called Friday.

Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
A: Washington DC

funny10

Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"

The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".

funny9

Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground. 

So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground. 

Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground. 

Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch. 

"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman. 

The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"

funny 8

Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.

Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: a Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

Q: Why did the atoms cross the road?
A: It was time to split!

Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.

Q: Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?
A: Because it's too cold out tide!

Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A: a Toy-yoda.

Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

funny7

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What is the best day of the week to sleep?
A: Snooze-day!

Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet?
A: Glad to meteor!

Q: Why did the silly kid stand on his head?
A: His feet were tired!

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!